19 March 2014

stealing the courage to shop for shoes

In a cafe, stealing the courage to shop for shoes. Writing on my phone, all thumbs, slow like. So many thoughts the last few days I reflect on in this 10 minute window on dreamlike thinking from yesterday's tiredness.

We have a capacity to a sense of having choices. In stark contrast, an overwhelming feeling of choicelessness can also descend. I recall being in a bar, and wondering about going over and talking to some young women drinking nearby. And I notice 4 things: a fear, insecurity at the imagination of some kind of rejection; an intellectual impasse at in searching for a social reason to start the interaction; an indifference as they don't actually seem that interesting to me; and a desire to be part of their company, to engage with them. All are there at once. And, from the observation, I notice a curious part of myself that observes the others without judgment. Sometimes there is also a judgey part of myself that doesn't accept the fearful feelings I have. But lately curiosity has been taking over and I am flooded with an internal gratitude. 

I put up 2 hooks to hold my wooden aikido sward yesterday, and looking at it I feel the sward is a little too far to the left. But I still like it.